(home) RANTS BEETLE
You know, I know Im a hypocrite. I know. It’s the truth. But it still pisses me off when other people are hypocritical torwards me. This weekend I had watched Maleenas Grandfater bless her dads second marriage, and tell him “Im proud of you” and “its Gods will” . Bull. Sure, its Gods will that a grown man should run away from his wife and kids cause he dosnt like his situation. A situation, he created. Who cares that Luke became a semi suicidal recluse, and that Orrin left home and womanized and abused drugs untill he has no short term memory. Or how about his daughter? Well, he’s proud of her, “she’s the only one who listend to him”. Bull again.
And how dare her grandfather rag on me. Rag on me, get this, sitting with her. I had the pleasure to read an email that he sent to Maleena regarding the afftermath. ‘Tis quite interesting to say the least.
In it he goes on to say that he was angered by my behavior torwards Maleena. He writes, that I “treated her disrespectivly, and like an object that I personly owned.” That she “deserves better”. But not content to leave me being the bad guy we need to rag on Maleena as well. Of course its her fault to, as shes given me “ a reason to treat her that way” and tell her that if her faith was strong enough then shed be able to say no to me. He eludes maybe that she isnt really a Christian either. Fan-frickin-tastic.
I know Im not perfect, I know I complain about stuff that I shouldn’t. But you know I got some pain that no one knows about really, and it brings me down just as much as all this weak pansy crap that other people say brings them down. Except my pain bleeds. My pain isnt self inflicted. My pain comes from battle scars, battle with this life. And I know that some of you have a lot of these same scars. But I cant take peoples garbage anymore. I just cant. You lie to me, expect payback. You hurt me, Im gonna swing back,. You talk crap, Ill make you eat it.
I diddnt apoligize to her family, and Im not going to. And Im not apoligizing for people who get in my way. The only thing I don’t want to do is step on people who don’t deserve it. And you know who you are. This is a war of attrition. I know I have said that several times this week, but I cant think of a better word. Its really hard to wait out the other side, when your in the castle. But it can be done. It can and it will. I diddnt come this far and fight this hard to not win.
But lets not lie. People suck. Lifes rough. And theres no magical answer that will solve our problems. Whats the answer? Please some one tell me, cause I don’t know! Maybe everyones just gotta take their pain, suck it up, and keep on walking. Maybe we should be grateful its not worse. Got me. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe we all just take our pain, and we try to deal with it our way. Maybe mines fighting. Maybe its music. Maybe yours is buying crap you don’t need. Maybe its treating others the way you get treated. Maybe its self mutilation. Hey pick door and “Johnny tell him what he’s won!”
The only hope? I guess I ought to end this with a positive note. If I did I guess its that just like I love Maleena, through all the dirt we get put through, God loves us. Yeah, that’s abstract. Yeah, that’s coming from a guy who has to erase all his curse words and resubstitute with other stuff. But I guess its just true. I guess we know that stuff ends someday, and that unlike all those tragic movie heros, we arnt alone.
DMX: One more road to cross ,One more risk to take, Gotta live my life like there's one more move to make.